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One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

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Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

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There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

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The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

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The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

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It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

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Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

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If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

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War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

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I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

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Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

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You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

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The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

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Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

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Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I am not young enough to know everything.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

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I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

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In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

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Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

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Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

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In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

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Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

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You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.